


I have just been too afraid for too long.

by writerofbaddecisions



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, this is an draft that will be edited for maximum angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24585304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerofbaddecisions/pseuds/writerofbaddecisions
Summary: AndEverythingStopped…………………….
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	I have just been too afraid for too long.

**Author's Note:**

> this is an draft at the moment

It starts when he turns 10 

His dad slams him into the glass of the table in their house, his mother is screaming “STOP”. 

A glass piece pierced his stomach, leaving the glass underneath stained a rosy-pink. 

He doesn’t scream,  He learned his lesson last time. 

Instead, he gets up and wraps the wound up in toilet paper , while cleaning out the other wounds.

And if the teacher asks if a raccoon attacked him ,  _ you stupid,stupid  _ boy 

The answer is yes 

(He aggravated his father to see if he could be anything but numb.)

A shadow lurks everywhere he goes.

His head screams at him , but he’s not sick. He's perfect , healthy,  **_not broken_ ** .

Is he?

-

It continues when he’s 15 

“Your so brave.” People tell him.

“Was I?” He answers back 

“Thoughts and Prayers” They clap him on the back , (they don’t notice he flinches at the smallest of contact.)

“They can’t bring my mother back.” He numbly fires back. 

His mother was dying, and he had known it. His head was screaming , his wrists burned red , and he just. wanted. everyone. to. be. quiet.

He was so selfish , his mother was the sick one , not  _ him  _

They were low on money , and his mother had chosen between saving her  _ selfish son  _ and herself.

_ Had he not been so selfish , his mother would’ve gotten her life-saving treatment, she would have better life without him. _

When blood stains the rented suit, his head stops screaming and starts to buzz loudly instead.

The shadow latches on tight sending him down into the abyss of his own creation

-

He’s almost at the gates of the afterlife , when he’s 28

Kevin’s death is still fresh in his mind , when he drives up to a shady alleyway. The same “thoughts and prayers” and “you are so brave” are ringing in his head , because  _ of course, I’m not a shattered glass vase. _

A package sits on the end of the alley , in scribbled sharpie font it writes “I hope what you get what you want.” 

It’s little tiny pearls that he washes down with straight whiskey , that burns the back of his throat badly. 

The world turns black , and he vaguely registers a sickening  _ crack _

_ He swears his mother looked at him with utter disgust before lifting him somewhere else _

-

He wakes up to his hands cuffed to the bed , the Lee’s who wore looks of worry and anger , and a realization that he was a failure  _ again  _

“Your lucky to be alive .” the doctor tells him 

His throat is too sore to say “Am I?”

-

He’s 40 when the person writing his sad fuck of a life , decides that he can finally have some quiet. 

-

It’s easier to be Chimney then it is to be Howard. Chimney Han is happy , a joke-making , a laughing person. Howard is a disgrace, a coward , and a utter waste of space.

-

Gum hides the fact that the drugs and alcohol still stain his breath after a dozen years. 

-

Chimney twisted and turned in bed , and at one point he kicked Maddie in the small of her back waking her up. She had always been a light-sleeper never knowing when D**g would wake her up. She shot up , checking on the growing fetus inside her stomach. Chimney was shaking next to her , whimpering  _ I’m sorry  _ over and over and over again. She gently reached out to chimney , when he shot up and grabbed her throat , pushing her down. She coughed out “Howie...Howie… It’s me.”

Chimney’s face was unreadable , his eyes still hazy either from rage or from sleep. No expression showed on his face, not joy nor anger. Chimney just started squeezing tighter and that’s when her self-defense instincts kicked in , she latched onto his fingers ripping them off of her neck , sending him flying into the closet. He woke-up from the impact , and immediately realized what happened. Maddie stood up on the bed , to try and reach chimney , but he backed himself into the opposite corner , and dug his nails into his arms muttering  _ i’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me. Please  _ over 

And

Over 

-

Albert burst into the room , and looked at Maddie standing on the bed in shock at what she had just done , and at his older half-brother , currently digging his nails into his arms drawing blood. 

He raced out of the room , grabbing his phone from the charging station. Opening the phone , he quickly scrolled through his contact list finding Buck’s number. He dialled it , muttering to himself “pickup.pickup.pickup.” Buck answered the phone after 3 rings with an 

“Heelllooo?”

“BUCK,oomgomgyouhavetohelpmepleaseplease.”

Albert heard the sound of a bed creaking as a weight was lifted from it on the other side

“Albert , listen to me , tell me everything that happened”

“Idunnohowtoexplainplsplsjustcomeovertochimneysapartment.”

“ALBERT. Call Hen, I’ll be over within 10 minutes.”

With that, the phone cut off , and Albert was left hyperventilating.

_ Who the fuck was I supposed to call again? Right Hen  _

When Albert dialed up Hen , she answered within 2 rings and Albert was still hyperventilating when he blurted out.

“HENHEN.COMEOVERTOCHIMNEY’SAPARTMENTLIKERIGHTNOW!!!!”

Hen , being a expert in deciphering panicking people , immediately lept out of bed , leaving Karen a note , and pulled on a sweater and sweatpants.

“Albert, I’ll see you there.”

Hen hung up after

-

Hen and Buck both managed to get to the apartment at around the same time, and Albert greeted them. 

Albert brought them to the bedroom and along the way told them “It’s gory”

Maddie was now rocking back and forth in the bed , and Buck raced over to his older sister. 

“Maddie,Maddie , what happened” 

Maddie just continued rocking back and forth ,which Buck recongized as an anxiety attack. Buck just gently wrapped his hands around his shaking and shivering sister, and she calmed down enough to say

“Howie.”

-

Chimney was vomiting in the bathroom , when Hen found him. His arms were no longer skin-toned, now a bloody-red from the long,open scars trailing up and down his forearms. Hen’s mouth inventorially dropped , she gently knelt down on the stained bathroom , asking 

“Chimney?” she reached out with a shaky hand, to which Chimney violently flinched from.

When Chimney saw her hurt expression , he went back to puking his guts in the bathroom. 

-

Albert helped Hen and Buck clean up Chimney’s arms , and calming Maddie down. They all drove in Hen’s large van to the hospital. Chimney stared , catatonically out of the windows , his eyes unfocused, his head stabbing his skull, letting the buzzing come to a halt.

-

Maddie was rushed into an exam room as soon as they stepped foot in the ER , and chimney’s arms were bandaged. Bobby and Athena were called (“ _ Hen, you really didn’t need to call them” “ I think Bobby would need to know if his firefighter would need his support”)  _ . 

After a while , a doctor with eye bags for days , came out of the room. 

“You can see your friend now”

The little group went into the room , where Maddie was sitting on the bed in a hospital gown. 

The doctor took out a little clipboard and asked “Who’s the father?”

Chimney piped up from the corner of the room he planted himself “I-I ,I a-m.”

The doctor held a solemn look and explained the worst news of his life , worst then his mother’s news “The baby didn’t make it , it went about 4 minutes without oxygen , killing off all the cells in the fetus. I’m sorry.” 

Maddie started crying , large fat tears rolling down her cheeks for the second time in a night , while Chimney rose from the chair unsteadily.

Hen cautiously said “Chimney , you know not one blames you for this.”

“Fuck off.”

This time , he didn’t get to see Hen’s hurt expression because he had raced out of the hospital with cries of “Chimney!” behind him , but they got smaller and smaller as muscle memory took him to a place where everything had gone to hell. The shadow followed him like a stalker does a victim , to an alleyway with a brown bag , bearing the label “For the last resort.” 

He violently ripped the bag , swallowing six consecutive pearls and the alcohol sitting next to it. 

And 

Everything

Stopped

…………………….

**Author's Note:**

> please don't kill me if your from the madney discord


End file.
